Its just, the pain never goes away...you just learn to live with it

Heartbreak: The real kind

As I come into this new year, I am forced to realize the facts. Shes not here to share it with...

Shirley Marie Davies 02/15/1926-11/06/2012

My Gigi, later to be known as Grammie. 

Now, I know that a lot of people will find it strange that I could be so upset about my great grandma. Because, to be quite frank, most people don't even know their great grandma and even if they do the don't necessarily  always try to get to know them. I would say that it is safe for me to claim that in this time, most families aren't as close as I am to mine. Now that doesn't mean that the rest of my family members are just as close. But, with me its different. See, my mom had me when she was 15 years old. Back then, that was pretty young. So I always say that my parents didn't just raise me, my family raised me. And they really did. I can remember memories with every great aunt and uncle. Then, my "just" aunts and uncles are almost my age. (Now how awesome is that to have such awesome aunts and uncles that I can call my friends???) But my Gigi, oh my Gigi, she takes the cake. She was a great grandma, grandma, and mom all rapped into one. She had all of the best aspects of every one of those roles. She always just let me be me. She never judged me, and if she didn't agree with something I said or did she would simply tell me why but, it was always followed by "I'll support you in whatever you do", or something along those lines. There were countless nights of staying up late watching the golden girls and playing skip-bo. Her letting me take all the dishes out and "washing" them, even though they were already clean. Letting me make baby food for my dolls out of whatever I could pull out of the lazy-susan. The sleep overs on the dreadful pull out couch  just because I thought it was cool. I could list on and on all that she did for me when I was younger, but what really comes out as the most amazing was what she did for me when I was older. I had just came back from a college experience that didn't go so well. She welcomed me with open arms into her house, even though she hadn't had anyone living with her for years. She gave up her solitude for me. All she ever wanted was for me to: 1) know how much I really was loved, 2) to be able to be the person to show me that, and 3) for me to succeed. When I got a job at the burger king down the road (my first "real" job ever) I have never felt someone be so proud. Just about burger king of all things. Then, when I met Phil and no one else seemed to approve of him, she did. She was the first to meet him, the first to welcome him in to the family (with open arms), and the first to love him. She was always by my side. So, when she got sick it was only right that I was by hers. She became my life. I spent almost every moment with her. Making charts for her med's, which no one else followed....( -.- ) haha. But when we found out that it was terminal cancer, I spent so much time in denial that it never really hit me tell the last week. She said her goodbyes to me, about four or five times. And now, as I sit in my cousin's house only 10 minutes away from where I lived with her, I can't help but feel that hole that sits in my heart. That pain behind my every move. Most days I wake up and feel like I'm just going through the motions. Because, I truly lost my best friend. The most important person in my life. But, as my heart hurts and I realize that its not going away I feel the security of her with me. Of her whispering in my ear that its all going to be okay. Of her saying "Goodnight honey, I love you more.", as I walk down the stairs to crawl into my bed that had been made just that day by her. Her voice lives in my mind and part of her soul lives in my heart.

Forget boys, men, women, girls, whatever it is for you. This is the one true real heart break. The loss of a person you know you never want to live without. 

There's a time and a place for everything...

 ¹ To everything there is a season,

      A time for every purpose under heaven:
       ² A time to be born,
And a time to die;
      A time to plant,
And a time to pluck what is planted;
       ³ A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
      A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
       ⁴ A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
      A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;
       ⁵ A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones;
      A time to embrace,
And a time to refrain from embracing;
       ⁶ A time to gain,
And a time to lose;
      A time to keep,
And a time to throw away;
       ⁷ A time to tear,
And a time to sew;
      A time to keep silence,
And a time to speak;
       ⁸ A time to love,
And a time to hate;
      A time of war,
And a time of peace.


Ecclesiates 3;1-9


    I have recently learned that there is a time and a place for everything. I have read and then re-read this passage many many times. My life has been very touchy lately. I have been very bitter and angry. Nothing seemed to be going my way. Things that were happening weren't happening my way. I couldn't understand why it wouldn't turn out right.
    Then it hit me... God's will, will be done. No matter what I do, I can't change it. There is no use in fighting it. He is the ultimate. Nothing can change  his will, ever. No matter how bad I want it. Being bitter and angry at him wasn't going to solve any problems. I just needed to realize that he will always give me what I need and will always take care of me, even if its not what "I want".  
    Having to put my entire trust in God has been interesting. I trust him with everything I am, don't get me wrong. But, I want what I want to happen. 
   I am now going to Rochester College for missions. I have to trust him to take care of me and to lead me through the hard times. Missions is not always an easy field. Its not a career that you make a lot of money in. However, I get the best job of all. I get to tell people about how much God loves them and wants them, no matter what their sin. How Christ loved them so much he DIED for them! I'm going to work with little kids, which is also not the easiest thing. I worked in the Preschool room during V.B.S. this year and it was very challenging. But, I trust that this is what God has in store for me and that no matter what he will take care of me. 
   I sort of got off track... 
Ecclesiates 3;1-9 Is so true. It has helped me so much lately...
Now its just time to live it.
(:


Dear Heavenly Father,
   Forgive me, for all of my sins. Lord thank you for all that you have blessed me with. Thank you for my Grandma Sue's side of the family, that we are now, finally, getting to know each other. Thank you Lord for bringing me to Rochester and guiding me to what you know is right for me. Lord, I pray for the victim's families of the stage that fell. Lord, I also pray for all of those people who don't know you, Lord. Help them to find you. Lord, I ask that you keep guiding me in the right direction. Help me to live my life as you see fit. Lord, help me to help those that are less fortunate than myself. Give me the words to help others and guide them to you Lord. 
In Jesus' Glorious name I pray,
Amen

How Blessed I Really Am

My life has been, what some people would say, a soap opera lately. The music and all. I have been going through a darkness, that I couldn't see only need light to become a blessing. I needed to turn to God. I needed to give it up to Christ. Once I did that, it was all light, all blessing.

Karen told me: "God doesn't make mistakes..."

I have never heard a more true statement. I have prayed and prayed and I think I came up with the right thing. More like God had told me the right thing.

I have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. I could not thank God enough for what hes given me and what he continues to give me everyday. He is absolutely amazing.

False Advertisement

Tonight at Ladies Bible Study, we talked about being commercials for God, and how we can sometimes be false advertisement. It got me thinking. I truly love God. Christ IS, with out a doubt, my savior. I live my life for Him ..... right?

I thought for the last couple months that I was living my life for Him. I thought I was doing a pretty good job.
...
But really, when I think about it I have been doing a sucky job.

 ⁶But we are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags; and we all do fade as a leaf; and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away.
Isaiah 64:6

Even my best is nothing more then filthy rags....

Thats a hard concept to accept. But its the truth. I am born with sin. I am SUCK.

So the next question that comes to mind is: How am I supposed to not be a false advertisment? How am I supposed to be in the image of Christ?
The first thing that comes to me, is to pray. How can I do anything without praying? I find myself praying when theres nothing else to do. I pray when I'm bord. I talk to him like hes my best friend. BECAUSE he is my best friend!
There is always the famous W.W.J.D. (What would Jesus do). I know its a cliche, but really if you think about what Jesus would do during a situation, wouldn't you handle it better?
THE biggest way I think, is to die. You, yourself have to die for Him, like He died for you. You have to give up your wants and needs for His will. You have to give everything to him.

God is the only love I need. I will live my life for him better and better everyday.

Ladies Bible Study (Kind of)

I spent 2 hours at a Ladies Bible Study tonight. Its only my second week going. But, it is amazing! We were talking about giving to the church tonight. (That's not what I'm going to talk about, though.) A question was asked; "How hard is it to change from the old to the new?" Although we didn't talk about it long, it got me thinking.

How hard is it really?

I think its different for everyone. So I thought, why not talk about what it was like for me. (What its still like.)

I used to be a partier. Hardcore. I drank and smoked. I had awful thoughts. I hung out with the "bad crowd". I did what everyone else did. I "fell" for the wrong guys. I have always believed in God. But, only recently have I created a relationship with him. I have grown fairly fast, but I have resisted change. I can't begin to tell you how hard it was for me to let go of my bad habits. I still find myself doing things that aren't right. I know I always will, because we all sin. However, they are things I can handle.

I feel as though I will never be rid of the old me. It has taken so long to get where I am now. I know that God will guide me through my journey with him, but it just feels like its going to take forever. I trust him with all my heart.

I LOVE YOU JESUS!

The day I addmitted I had baby skin . .

What this blog is going to be about, as time goes.

My blog, as time goes on, is all about my walk with Christ and all the crap the world throws at me. All about how I deal with it and how God changes me as I grow.

I have had the WROST couple of days (10 to be exact). 

My stress level hit the roof and then some. I had huge family problems! School was driving me insane! I was just boiling with anger. Everyone who even so much as joked around with me, I snapped at. I always felt bad after, but I still did it. My poor little German girl (Jessie) got it probably more then anyone. ):

anyways . .

I was talking to Eddie last night. (About everything I said before.) He told me it was like I had baby skin. Because when babies are little, something as little as a papercut, it hurts them. As you get older, however, your skin gets tougher and these things seem to hurt way less. So I began to think.

It became very clear to me . .

The closer I get to Christ, the more "sensitive" I get. The more little things seem to hurt more. It all started to make sense. Christ has softened my heart. He has taken all that old, crappy, junk out for the good new good, amazing, me. I love, love, love that he's doing/did that.

However . .

I was raised to be a strong woman. Now I'm a mess. I cry all the time. I have never been known to cry. I find that its hard to let go of who I was and let Christ change me. I'm doing it though, because I know its better to be what he wants me to be, then what I used to be.